Reflections on 30 years of life

Well, today is my birthday.  Officially 30 years old.  Can it be?  Is it true?  Has life gone by that quickly?  Isn't it funny how when you're in the moment, time often seems to crawl, but when you look back on things, the years feel like they've blown by you like you like a fat kid at a Chinese buffet?  Why is that?  There's got to be some lesson there.  Maybe it's so we can enjoy the present, live there, experience it fully and deeply but blur the memories of our past.  There are certain things though, that I remember as vividly as if they had happened yesterday...

I remember Mom rocking me during a particularly bad thunderstorm when I was so so little.  Probably one of my first memories.

I remember singing to Billy Idol with my older sisters.

I remember melting a hole in the carpet with a desk lamp that I had tipped over so that the light wouldn't shine in my eyes while I napped on Stacie's floor.

I remember friends long since come and gone...I wonder how many remember me.

I remember winning the Junior Little League city championship...we gave the game ball to Ryan Foley's dad who had been stricken with ALS years prior.

I remember certain run-ins with the law.

I remember my first car.  Really wish I would have kept that one.

I remember managing the girls' softball team for 3 straight years.  They won the State Championship all 3 seasons.  Those were some of my best times in high school.

I remember heading off to the University of Montana, the dorms, the friends.

I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when the World Trade Center was attacked.

I remember working at the movie theater.  Still probably my favorite job ever.

I remember certain days and experiences in the MTC that have been shared with very few people...experiences I keep very close to my heart.

I remember certain moments of inspiration while serving the people of Tahiti.  God sometimes speaks so clearly.

I remember coming home to what seemed like a changed world...only it wasn't the world that had changed...it was me that had been changed.

I remember moving to Provo and my first apartment.  Wyatt, Derek, and Dave.

I remember 4 specific times when I tried to talk to Becky and was rebuffed.

I remember the exact moment when she finally noticed.

I remember our first date and our wedding day.

I remember the awe and joy and humility I felt when little Grace was born.  She forever changed how I view the world.

I remember the arrival of little Abby.  I miss her terribly.

I remember all too well the agony and pain and heartbreak that was the year 2012.

Sadly, I also remember far too many of the mistakes, errors, insecurities, poor decisions, tears, disappointments, bad thoughts, bad circumstances, bad situations, and bad feelings that intersperse all of the moments above.  Some still haunt me to this day.  Aren't those the things that Time is supposed to help us forget?

But, thank goodness, I also remember some of the laughter, achievements, joy, successes, trials overcome, tender mercies extended, unspeakable spiritual experiences, lessons learned, and moments of pure bliss. 

My life is certainly not where I expected it to be when I turned 30.  Though, there are probably few people that could say theirs was either.  But this last year has taught me a lot.  Some of it was willful learning.  Some of it was having lessons beat into me.  The point is, that I have learned.  I have grown.

I've learned that 30 year old joints aren't as pain-free as 20 year old joints and that 30 year old bellies are not as flat as they are when you're 18.  I've learned that time takes its toll.  But I have also learned much from my mistakes.  I am far from perfect.  I am actually still quite broken.  But I'm learning to own that and love it all the same.

So, for this new year of life, I have hope.  Guess I can't ask for a better birthday gift than that.